By Valerie J. Botter

One of the hardest parenting decisions for separated and divorced parents is what happens when one parent needs or wants to move out of state and far away. Changes in our economy and in our personal lives result in a myriad of arrangements for those of us parenting children across state lines.

In Massachusetts, the term referring to the right of the custodial parent (the parent with whom the child primarily resides) to move out of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts with the child is known as the right to “remove” the child and the case is referred to as a “removal” case. A state statute provides that absent the agreement of the other parent, a divorced parent cannot remove a child to live out of state without the Court’s permission. What are the factors that a Court considers in a removal case? The Court will often support the decision of a primary custodial parent to move out of state if that parent can demonstrate a good faith reason for leaving and if the result of the move will benefit that parent to the degree that the benefit will flow to the child. While this may seem unfair to the non-custodial parent who is left behind, the existing case law regarding removal represents a child-focused line of decisions which places the needs of the child over the needs of the parents.

Over the years, I have represented clients in removal cases on both sides of the issue and mediated removal disputes between parents. For a father who has grudgingly accepted his role as non-custodial parent and enjoys regular contact with his child or children each week, the news that his ex-wife and her new husband are moving to Texas represents a huge roadblock to the natural development of that father’s relationship with his child. Factors such as the age of the child, whether or not air lines fly directly from nearby airports, how much the air fare costs, and how supportive the mother is of the child’s relationship with the father, will affect how successful an arrangement can be negotiated and maintained. I always urge non-custodial parents to visit their children in their home state at least once each year, to attend children's performances and games, to schedule parent/teacher meetings, and to support their children's lives in their home state. While this can be awkward and expensive, the message to the child when a parent makes that extra effort is that both parents are part of that child’s life, regardless of where the child resides.

A custodial parent may want to relocate to her home state following a divorce. She may have no family, few close friends, and little income potential where she lived during her marriage. Requiring her to stay in the area against her will may create such emotional and financial stress that the child will be adversely affected. If she moves, however, it is important for her to understand that the child’s vacation time should be maximized with the other parent since those weeks may present the only opportunity for long-distance travel and an extended stay in the other parent’s home.

Ideally, both parents should take steps to foster deep connections between a child and both of his or her parents and recognize that creative solutions must sometimes be found when circumstances change and one parent needs to move far away. Email offers an inexpensive supplement to telephone contact for older children and teenagers. Establishing and maintaining a child’s social relationships with other children in both neighborhoods helps children feel and stay rooted in two communities. Two of my stepchildren live in Ohio, so we spend a lot of time at the airport and count the days between each of their frequent and precious trips to Massachusetts. We also cannot deny how their mother’s happiness has flowed to and benefitted them as she settled into her life in the state where she grew up and her parents reside, and as she established a career, re-married, and continued to focus on her children’s day to day needs.

It is most important not to react to a proposed move by either parent as something she is "doing" to the other parent. As individuals, we made decisions and live according to our own needs and desires, not usually to make another person’s life difficult. Being a good parent isn’t always easy but it’s certainly easier to do from a happy, centered place with community support and financial security.

February 2004

Update: Six years later, our Ohio children are now in high school. It has become increasingly difficult for them to come to Massachusetts for long weekends and Spring Break as academic demands, sports team commitments, and jobs have understandably taken greater priority. As a result, we are traveling to Ohio more often. We stay at a modest hotel near where our children live with their mother, stepfather, and much younger half-brothers, and spend the weekend together there, watching movies, doing homework, and using the hotel pool and gym. We take them shopping for clothes and shoes and other necessities, and get together with their friends. We attend local events and go out to dinner. And we go to our son’s baseball games and daughter’s track meets.

These changes reduce even further the time when we are all together, since our Massachusetts children are not able to travel to Ohio due to scheduling conflicts. In addition, one of our Ohio children reduced the amount of time that she spends with our family in Massachusetts beginning in early 2007, so now we see her only a handful of weeks a year. We miss them dearly, and it’s heartbreaking when they leave, but we remind ourselves that they are happy and thriving. This is what really counts. And ironically, my husband and his ex-wife are communicating more frequently these days with teen issues and are co-parenting well together despite the geographical distance.

When one parent moves children far away, the move irrevocably changes the nature of the relationship with the parent who stays behind, and significantly limits that parent’s ability to be a regular part of a child’s life. Balancing a parent’s need to move and the benefits of the move for the children, with the unavoidable changes to the children’s relationship with the other parent, is a difficult task for parents, lawyers, mediators, and judges. Each family situation is unique and must be considered carefully from the perspective of what is best for the child.

Other articles by Valerie J. Botter:

CRAZY TIME

DIVORCE, KIDS AND DATING

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

FINDING A GOOD LAWYER

JOINT PHYSICAL CUSTODY

MARRIAGE AND OTHER LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS

WHAT'S ADR?